Regaining Your Power in Your Career and Motherhood Journey
BY DR. D’WAN CARPENTER, DO
Growing up, I knew I wanted two things in my life; to be a doctor and to have a family. Little did I know, the journey to accomplishing those two things was harder than I could have imagined. As I progressed through my training and my career, those two things seemed to be mutually exclusive from my experience.
Fast forward to the start of my medical education. During my second year of medical school, I became pregnant with my first child. As happy as my husband and I were, we were also nervous as most first-time parents would be, only to soon realize that this pregnancy would be fraught with multiple complications I did not anticipate.
I realized that many of the challenges I had experienced were also not solely limited to me. I ended up talking to many women and moms, particularly those in fields that tend to be demanding, that at some point felt they had lost parts of themselves along the way. I made the decision to find myself again and made a commitment to help other women do the same.
Only these complications were not ones at all related to the health and viability of the pregnancy but more of the internal and external conflict I was experiencing during my medical education process. Apparently, it was a rarity for a medical student to become pregnant during their first or second year of training. However, in my class, I was fortunate to share this pregnancy journey with two other medical student colleagues at the time.
Everything Happens for a Reason
By the time I started my rotations in the hospital, I noticed the disapproving looks and heard colleagues’ and supervising physicians’ comments whispered behind my back about the disapproval of a medical student having a baby during training. I hoped this sentiment was just limited to my education. Perhaps it was not ideal to start a family during such intense training but for me, everything happens for a reason. Less than a year after medical school graduation, I again had news that our family was going to be growing.
This time I told myself I will not make the same mistake. Nobody at my hospital, not even my colleagues, would ever know until it was too late to hide, that I was again expecting a child. I didn’t want to deal with anyone’s opinions or judgements about what they felt was or was not a good idea. Hindsight is always 20/20.
The decision not to tell my colleagues wasn’t the best, especially should there be any emergent situations that could arise. I even had a physician say to me “you may be a good mom, but you can never be a good physician.” What I realized throughout these multiple experiences was that every situation like this seemed to slowly chip away at the core of me.
Regaining My Power
I had become a woman who was losing sight of her dreams and purpose. I had become a woman who no longer felt she could stand up for herself for fear of retaliation, judgment or dismissal. I had ultimately become a woman physician who in many instances had all but become ashamed of her family. How did this happen? And what could I do to find myself again? I decided to do some soul searching and some hard work to regain my power.
It was 2017, and though I still had my fair share of challenges, I felt like I was at least managing. I thought even that maybe with time I might be on the road to healing. Getting back to who I was and then I had the biggest shock of my life. I was pregnant — again! At the first ultrasound, all I remember hearing is “oh there’s one and there’s two, you’re having twins!” The feelings of fear and being overwhelmed took over me. How in the world could I manage these new demands when I felt I was barely making things work on a good day? With all these feelings, emotions, thoughts and — oh yeah — two new babies to care for, I had a breakdown. There was light at the end of the tunnel, I just couldn’t see it.
Prioritizing Myself
The irony is that it took my breakdown to open my eyes to all of the parts of me that I lost and let the negativity I experienced to take away from me. I knew I could not stay in this dark place anymore. I sought help, not just from my family and friends who had no idea all I was feeling, but also professional help. I got counseling to help me understand where all the emotions and negative feelings were coming from. I asked my husband and others for help and learned to let them help when they ask, even if they don’t fold the clothes the “right way.” I started prioritizing myself instead of saving myself for last when I was too exhausted for it to matter.
I realized that many of the challenges I had experienced were also not solely limited to me. I ended up talking to many women and moms, particularly those in fields that tend to be demanding, that at some point felt they had lost parts of themselves along the way. I made the decision to find myself again and made a commitment to help other women do the same.
The Birth of Twin Mom Chronicles
It is out of the many challenges and subsequent breaking point that Twin Mom Chronicles was born. Over the years, I talked to and coached twin moms, many of whom worked in traditionally patriarchal type careers. Somewhere along the way, they had not given themselves permission to be themselves.
Some of this redefining themselves starts with being true to themselves first and actually carving out the time they need to fully thrive, embracing the feminine energy that only we can bring into a field. I help twin moms find that time. I help them to find their voice again so that they are comfortable and confident enough to say “no.” That short little word is packed with so much power and yet often as women we take on a lot because we feel we have to. Mindset is everything and when we shift out mindset to honor and value ourselves first, the results are endless.
Embracing Your Feelings and Find Your Tribe
If you’re a working mom or mom of twins, please know that you are not alone. Embrace your feelings and know that it is ok to not be ok. Find your tribe that will help you, support you, and lift you up. It also helps if the tribe is not afraid to tell you that it’s time to get up and make some moves.
Here are my four steps to channel your inner balance and get back to showing up as your authentic self 100% of the time.
Change your mindset
Start every day with gratitude
Carve out time for you to refill your cup daily (even if it’s only 5 minutes)
Never let someone else tell you who you are or what you can be
ABOUT DR. D’WAN CARPENTER, DO
Dr. D’Wan Carpenter, DO, is a dually board-certified physician, wife, and mother of four including fraternal twin girls. She is a recovering perfectionist who is passionate about helping other moms break free of the “perfect mom” façade. She has created a working twin mom community to help moms find and grow their tribe and coaches moms to prioritize their time for self in order to thrive in every aspect of life.
Connect with Dr. Carpenter on Instagram @twinmomdoctor, by email twinmomdoctor@gmail.com, or at www.twinmomchronicles.com.