Waking Up to “All-Of-Me”
BY AMBER SUSA
The Breakdown
At the age of 40 I woke up, with severe and debilitating low back pain that caused deformity in my torso and a stabbing pain that brought me to my knees. I was a mother of two children under the age of two, a wife, and a co-owner of a successful boutique Pilates & Fitness studio.
I had been in the fitness industry for over a decade, and relied on the health of my physical body daily. I was in great shape, worked out regularly, super fit. Why was my body doing this to me? What was wrong with my back? I had never had any major injuries or experienced any physical limitations. I had a breakdown.
I’ll never forget the day it took me 30-minutes to get off the floor.
Home alone with my 6-month old son and two year old daughter. Every move I made, every attempt to get up off the floor, a razor sharp pain that took my breath away.
I made a living teaching high-intensity fitness classes and I couldn’t stand up straight, let alone teach a class. I had always been able to rely on fitness to help me cope, to bring me back to my happy place, to rise above the stresses of life. And here I was struggling and suffering, and I couldn’t move. I was desperate and afraid.
I ran into a friend and fellow fitness expert at a charity event one Sunday, and shared with her what I had been going through. It was hard to hide. I walked slowly, my form was crooked, and I had trouble sitting and standing. It was obvious something was wrong. She shared with me that she had just had started a meditation practice, the 21-day meditation experience with Oprah Winfrey and Deepak Chopra.
My only experience with meditation had been in my early 20’s, and I quickly decided that I hated it. Gentle music, eyes closed, stillness, corny clichéd words. Nope, meditation was definitely not for me! There are the meditating types, and there are the intense, athletic, go-go-go types. And I knew clearly where I belonged. So when my friend recommended that I try this Oprah and Deepak meditation thing, you know I had to be desperate to even consider it
That night I went home, downloaded the app and listened to my first guided meditation on my bed, in my room, headphones in. Five minutes felt like forever. I was antsy and agitated, and also desperate and willing. What were my options? I had to give this a shot.
Becoming the Meditating Type
I was committed to this new daily practice, and the fact that I still couldn’t move without experiencing excruciating pain, made it easier to be still. I would breathe, and remind myself that I had nowhere to be, nothing else to do, that this was the most important thing I could be doing.
Slowly over time I felt less and less restless, and more and more at ease. The words being spoken began to resonate, and I felt hope. I was beginning to wake up, reconnecting with a part of my self I hadn’t known for a very long time.
Those first days of waking up gave me a sense of hope that I hadn’t felt in a while. My daily meditation practice started to become something I looked forward to rather than dreaded. It felt like I was tuning into a secret that no one else knew. That secret has become my absolute truth and dependable guidance system.
At that time, I was also introduced to a book that would become a significant part of my healing journey, “Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection” by Dr. John E Sarno. Dr. Sarno presented the concept that my physical pain, the distortion in my spine, was possibly a result of repressed emotions. He calls it TMS (Tension-Myositis Syndrome) and the theory is that repressed anxiety and anger can cause muscle spasms and severe pain in the body. It was the first time in my life I even considered that my emotions could affect my body, that there was any connection between my feelings and thoughts, and my physical well-being.
I had always been able to push my body and had used fitness and movement as a way to handle the emotions I felt so deeply all my life. This period of my life marked a huge shift for me, and I began to rely on the spiritual connection my meditation practice gave me to process my thoughts, feelings and emotions. It became a very exciting time in my life, I felt alive and hopeful. I felt like things were making sense, and that there was a deeper meaning and purpose to it all. I became fascinated with the mind-body connection and the healing journey.
I couldn’t get enough information and I began to trust the process, and even more importantly I began to trust the little voice inside that meditation had reconnected me with so beautifully.
Learning to Trust the Inner Voice Again
I was a co-owner of a popular and successful boutique Pilates and fitness studio, and all of a sudden, I began to infuse my high-intensity HIIT classes with spiritual messages of awakening and truth. I asked my clients to shout out loud what they were grateful for as they sprinted on the trampolines. I extended my cool-down to include a mini-guided meditation and soul reflection. It felt like I was growing out of a pair of pants and bursting at the seams to expand beyond what had been my reality.
I started a women’s circle and book club. I invited leaders outside my business to come share their messages of health and healing. I launched a monthly mind-body revolution and introduced Kundalini Yoga to our client base that had only known us for our high-intensity workouts. I enrolled in a health-coaching program, and turned our storage closet into an office where I began working with clients.
The energetic momentum felt like a river rushing downstream. I felt more like myself than I had in years. I felt a sense of purpose and passion, an excitement and enthusiasm for more expansion, more understanding, and more growth.
The Courage to Take a Leap
And then I got a phone call from my friend and hair stylist Roni. The business next to her hair salon was closing down and she was curious if I was interested in opening a second location. Only in my most private dreams and visions had I considered another studio. I would daydream about a space near the ocean, with big windows and tons of light, painted with light soothing colors, and light wood floors.
They say everything that manifests into physical form started out in someone’s imagination and I can say this is true for me. Allomi began as a vision in my imagination, a dream, and a hearts desire.
As with many dreams, the actual steps necessary to turn the dream into a reality can be daunting and overwhelming. This is why so many dreams stay as dreams. In my case, the call of my soul was so insistent, the desire to expand into “all-of-me” so unrelenting, the courage to take the necessary steps so present, I took the leap and never looked back.
Manifestation and Freedom
There are parts of the story I’ll save for another time. The part where I sold my half of the Pilates and fitness business to my partner against my husband’s wishes, and walked away from a business that I loved for seven years; The part where the dissonance in my marriage became so painful that divorce was the only answer; The part where I gave up my nightly wine so I could feel it all and see it all; The part where I lived with my parents for 8 months after leaving my marriage. Sometimes saying yes to the call of your soul requires letting go of what is, to allow for what wants to be.
This year Allomi celebrated three years in business. I moved into my new home on my own, and I am creating a new reality based on personal truth and sovereignty. I am filled with the faith that I am always beings guided and Divinely supported on this journey. I am here to experience, embody and express “all-of-me”, to expand into my greatest potential and to share my story. This is freedom. Unabashedly, unapologetically, living my truth and trusting my inner knowing. And this is just the beginning!
ABOUT AMBER SUSA
Amber Susa is the founder and owner of Allomi a sanctuary for holistic health and healing in Redondo Beach, CA. She currently lives in Palos Verdes with her children Dawson and Will. She is an entrepreneur, business owner, fitness expert, holistic health coach, inspirational speaker and spiritual teacher. Growing up as an actress and dancer, Amber was naturally drawn to creative expression, storytelling and performing. She has spent the last two decades in the fitness industry, and has been an entrepreneur for the last 10 years. After becoming a mother to two beautiful children, severe low back pain led her to a meditation practice and spiritual journey that called her to open Allomi (all-of-me). Amber is dedicated to sharing her experience and to inspiring others to live their best life. It is her desire and intention to elevate the community through movement, meditation and mindfulness.