How to Feel Empowered with Mauri Konnell, founder of Girls emPOWERment Experience
About this episode:
Mauri Konnell, the founder of Girls emPOWERment Experience, is on The She Built It™ Experience today to share her passion for helping every girl believe in themselves. You'll hear about her own struggles with drugs, eating disorders, codependency, and addiction - but how she turned that into something positive after finding empowerment through karate. This episode is for you if you're working to create your own definition of success and truly believe in yourself, even if it's for the first time ever.
Topics Discussed:
Mauri's background and her struggles with fitting in, body image, eating disorders, addiction, etc.
How Mauri first found empowerment through CrossFit and began to replace bad habits with healthier ones
Why structure is important in but also realizing how it can lead to perfectionism
The journey of starting Girls emPOWERment Experience and what Mauri learned along the way
How to define success for yourself and move closer to accomplishing your dreams
About Mauri:
Mauri Konnell is the founder of Girls emPOWERment Experience. This is the story of a little girl she once knew,
There once was a little girl who was afraid to be herself. With brown ringlet curls, a short, curvy build, and freckled olive skin, she looked starkly different than her tall, beach-blonde friends. Her loud, raspy voice sounded different. Her big dreams and wild imagination made her think differently. A high achiever, too smart for her own good, and a perfectionist by default, her greatest fear was failing. She did everything she could to get out of P.E., so she wouldn’t embarrass herself. She starved herself so she could change her body, although eating disorders just served as a false sense of control for her in a world so seemingly out of control around her. She grew up in a family of lawyers and doctors, followed their prescriptions for “success,” but she soon found that their traditional path to “security” wasn’t bringing her any security at all. After fighting against her true calling for years, she discovered that happiness would only be found by creating her own definition of it for herself. She became a karate teacher, impacting the lives of hundreds, maybe thousands of children. She taught kindness and compassion, inspired courage, integrity, and perseverance, and she watched families transform alongside their children. She witnessed young people who were previously diagnosed with disabilities become outstanding leaders in their communities. She helped children with leukemia grow stronger than the disease. She became a competitive athlete and coach. A little girl, once terrified of even having her picture taken, voluntarily became a fitness model for female-owned and operated brands based on self-love, and enjoyed it. She even shared her story on National TV as an athlete on Million Dollar Mile! That little girl grew up and created a unique workshop and classes to teach other little girls how to find their voices, how to have the courage to be themselves, and how to celebrate their strength and power, inside and out.
That little girl was Mauri. She learned that having courage does not mean eliminating your fears. True courage is not the absence of fear, but instead, that it is being brave enough to admit and face what you are afraid of: to feel the fear and do it anyway. She learned that confidence is not innate, but rather, it is a skill that is developed and honed through repeatedly listening to and trusting yourself. She now knows that connection to others begins with connection to yourself.
Inspired and fueled by my past experiences, my Girls emPOWERment Experience is changing the world, one young woman, one leader at a time. Mauri wants every girl and every person to know that their superpower is believing in themselves. She believes that together, we can uplift, inspire and emPOWER every girl and everyone to discover and embrace how to be your own hero.
Resources:
Click here to read a raw, unedited transcript of this episode:
Melanie Barr[10.3s] Hi, Mauri. So happy you are joining us today and excited for our conversation. Tell us your story and about who you are.
Mauri Konnell [00:04:43] Thanks so much for having me. I'm so, so stoked to be here, [00:04:46]I'm really honored to be back. (UM) I think I'll just start a little bit with my background, which you probably gave in the intro, but I think it really informs what I do now. [9.6s] I grew up in the South Bay and I always felt very different based on how I looked and how I felt had these really big feelings and definitely struggled with perfectionism, [00:05:10]had a lot of, I guess, [2.6s] I had kind of a tough time at home with my family and that influenced a lot of my emotions. The language I [00:05:21]kind of [0.2s] got growing up was toughen up or snap out of it or being dramatic. It's not that bad. And so what I discovered from a really young age was that my feelings were bad and wrong, and 00:05:32 [0.0s] I discovered people pleasing as a way to cope with that, too. [00:05:36]You know, [0.0s] if I could just be good enough, then maybe everyone would like me. Maybe I could keep the peace. [00:05:42]So [0.0s] that sort of led me into a series of 00:05:46 [0.0s] struggles with my body image and eating disorders and addiction and codependency, and just insert your numbing agent in there. [00:05:56]And [0.0s] as I went through college, I thought I was going to be a therapist. I wanted to help other people like me who had these sort of struggles with their feelings and with perfectionism and with body image and, [00:06:08]you know, [0.1s] achievement people pleasing. But of course, that I didn't know all of that at the time, right? Because I just had this idea of what success meant. And my parents came from a very traditional 00:06:24 [0.0s] doctor and lawyer, lots of doctors and lawyers in my family. And so that was my idea of what success was. So I thought, Oh, OK, well, if I want to help people, then I've got to be a therapist or psychiatrist. And I was actually teaching karate at the time as a part time job because growing up, I wouldn't play team sports because I was so afraid of failure and so afraid of what other people thought of me. So I did martial arts because it was just an individual based sport. But if I messed up, it was just on me. It wouldn't affect the team and it was kind of like dance. In a way. I found the flow in martial arts that felt almost performance like. And I loved dance. 00:07:04 But I was. [2.0s] I also had messages early on that, [00:07:09]you know, I wouldn't have. [0.5s] I didn't have the right body type for dance. So that was kind of marred for me early on. [00:07:15]In any case, [0.4s] I was teaching kids karate, and after college they offered me a full time job and teaching and running the Redondo Beach School. Three minutes from where I grew up, I was like, No, absolutely not. I'm going to graduate school, and I just had this little voice on my shoulder. But now I do this this way and I was like, No little boys, I can't do this. But I say this because this would be a theme in my life. The little voice inside of us and our inner voice that oftentimes doesn't make sense and doesn't make sense. Anybody else doesn't even make sense to you, but you just have this feeling and knowing inside of you that this is the path that you're meant to go down and that more will be revealed. And [00:07:54]you know, [0.1s] you just keep doing the next right thing, and that's making sense sort of happens along the way. So I didn't know that yet, either, but I was learning it as I went. And so I followed a little voice. And what I discovered was that I was not meant to be a therapist and sitting across the couch from somebody or a kid or teenager, but really in the trenches with people and giving hugs, telling them that I love them going to their birthday parties. But what I was also doing was so therapeutic I was staying after classes and working with families. I was working with children who had been labeled autistic. [00:08:33]I was working with.(UM) [1.1s] I worked at Children's Hospital with children, with leukemia and sickle cell. I worked with all kinds of different learning capacities and different abilities and and a lot of young girls like me who were just afraid to be themselves. And after a really big heartbreak and my parents divorce and kind of going through this early identity crisis, [00:09:02]I guess so to speak, [0.7s] it was what I would call my second rock bottom. And that sort of led me into face to face with myself and being sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I realized that I had been on this what I call the hamster wheel [00:09:18]of death, [0.1s] which is this loop where you're playing out the same patterns in your life over and over again. And I was finally ready to take responsibility instead of blaming my parents or blaming the situation or blaming other people. I was finally ready to look at myself. I don't really know where that willingness came from, except from the immense pain that I was in and I realized that I was. Uncomfortable that I was going to be uncomfortable either way, I was going to be uncomfortable saying the same or are going to be uncomfortable doing something different. [00:09:50]And [0.0s] so it was a series of one step at a time I ended up reaching out and having my own therapist instead of the people that my parents had put me in. She helped me with my version of sobriety, which was at the time really cleansing my body of all of the prescription drugs that I became addicted to. It used to numb out [00:10:12]alcohol marijuana. [0.8s] And then I started getting into CrossFit, and I started learning how to workout in a way where I loved what my body could do instead of just working out to change the way everybody looked. And up until then, all I had ever done was the elliptical or running, or 00:10:29 [0.0s] I had kind of dabbled with 00:10:33 [0.0s] bodybuilding and lifting weights, but didn't really know what I was doing. And this was the first time where I had a community and the first time where I felt this competitive spirit in me that I always wanted to unleash but was afraid to. It was still an individual sport, [00:10:50]so to speak. [0.3s] So I, as scary as it was for me to go to a new gym and meet other people, it was still something that I could do myself and I ended up being pretty good at it. [00:11:01]And so of course, we get sort of. Sorry, I just let that motorcycle pass. [7.3s] We become we can replace addictions with healthy addictions, right, and we can replace habits with new habits that start to inform our identity. And so all of a sudden, 00:11:22 [0.3s] because I found something where I could move my body in this way, that was very empowering. I wanted to fuel my body to do the movement. So now I start my relationship with nutrition. I start learning about the science of nutrition, 00:11:34 and I know [2.7s] I have been doing yoga for a long time, but I had always been doing yoga for the yoga body, [00:11:41]quote unquote. [0.2s] Now doing yoga to feel my feelings. [00:11:45]And you know, [0.5s] for the first time in my life, I was learning how to feel it tequila instead of running away and escaping or distracting. So I share all of this because all of these different things that I [00:11:58]sort of [0.2s] discovered through this, this shift in my life, through movement, through mindfulness nutrition. I was getting outside and hiking and spending time in the mountains by myself, talking to 00:12:09 [0.0s] my version of God and getting to know myself better. Listening to podcasts, reading, I was learning from other women who were like me and who I admired and wanted to be more like. I started teaching workshops in community centers and the beach and yoga studios because I originally wanted to have my own karate school with my now husband, but at the time we thought we would have our own writing program. And so I started, we started with fitness and karate, but then I started evolving into sharing all these things that I had learned about self-love and was continuing to learn about self-love because I knew that I wanted to incorporate more than just one thing. I wanted to give young women and girls an opportunity to see different ways to move their bodies and different ways to explore their selves and their feelings. So these were [00:12:59]kind of [0.2s] the origins of girls empowerment experience. And as the workshops continued to be popular with Girl Scout troops and different friend groups and private groups, there was more of a demand for ongoing group classes, which led into people asking me if I would work one on one with them. 00:13:17 [0.0s] And so girls empowerment experience really did evolve kind of naturally from my experiences and is born out of 00:13:26 [0.2s] my experiences as a very, very young girl, but also my experiences as a teenager and a young adult learning how to be myself and how to be safe to be myself [00:13:36]and so from. [2.6s] And I make it sound really fancy and beautiful and sparkly. But in that time it was really, really hard and I was working in a restaurant to pay my rent. I was very ashamed of that. I was very embarrassed about that because I thought people weren't going to take me seriously and forever. Families came into the restaurant, [00:13:59]and by the way, this was not like McDonald's. [1.7s] This was one of the most wonderful restaurants in the South Bay. That is an amazing culture, and I learned so much about business and culture and 00:14:12 [0.0s] just humanity in this experience. But to me, my perfectionism came out as well. That's not good enough, and I can't be starting my own business and [00:14:24]consider [0.0s] taking seriously if I'm a quote waitress. Even though now in retrospect, I feel them like, Wow, that's so bad ass. [00:14:32]Like, [0.0s] I didn't take out any law, I didn't take out any investments. I don't have any partners. I didn't ask for any help from my parents. I did it with the skin on my back and working every single day all day long, and 00:14:45 [0.0s] I was living in this cool little beetles. Two blocks from the beach in Redondo. I was twenty five and stoked, stoked on life. [00:14:53]And so [2.3s] but in any case, it was hard and I wanted to give up so many times. There were so many times where I said, Oh, well, maybe I'll just go back to school and be a teacher, and that'll be close enough. I'll be a teacher, and then at least I'll have benefits, which my mom would be so thrilled, at least to have health insurance. [00:15:11]At least I have a 401k, whatever that is. I still, I don't know what it is. [3.4s]
Melanie Barr [00:15:15] [00:15:15]There are. [0.2s] There are so many great things about everything that you just said, and I love how you just kept moving forward to find the life that you were craving. And [00:15:29]you [0.0s] you went forward and you did the hard work. It's hard. It really is hard. And I think about this a lot. Now that I have kids myself, our parents don't mean to influence us in a certain way, but we really can't be what we can't see. And not everyone fits into that cookie cutter mold. [00:15:48]You know, [0.1s] we have to do the inner work to find out what life we crave, [00:15:53]right? [0.0s] And it doesn't matter about anybody else. And it also is really hard to think that not everyone knows everything like you mentioned [00:16:02]working, [0.0s] working in the restaurant, having your side hustle, [00:16:05]not feeling like you are. [1.4s] Parker has taken your workshops and you are. Incredible at what you do. And, [00:16:12]you know, [0.1s] I think about when I was a little girl and I had positive impact where someone said something to me that resonated with me, that made me want to go out and better my life or do something better. You're helping hundreds of girls start out their life in that positive way. And Parker now is going through these situations where she'll come home. And I said this recently on a podcast, she'll say, Mom, do girls have more friend problems or boys? And I said, Sorry, Parker, probably girls, [00:16:43]you know? [0.1s] But she comes home and doesn't know how to handle certain situations, and you know, you could just try to guide them. And I try to look at them and think, Who are they? What do they want to do when they get older? And how can I help them do that to bring out their strengths and the things that they do best? And how can I teach them? And I [00:17:06]hope, [0.0s] I hope it doesn't matter what age you are. I hope anyone listening follows the life that they crave and does the work that brings them joy. And we all have bad days, right? But if we're doing something that brings us joy, the bad days are so much more enjoyable, [00:17:24]right? [0.0s] If we're doing something [00:17:26]that [0.0s] where the joy outweighs the harder times.
Mauri Konnell [00:17:29] Yes, absolutely. And you're such a good mama [00:17:32]to be able to donate. [1.9s] Now that we are new parents, we always say one of the best ways that we could be parents is to get out of the way. And that doesn't mean don't be involved. [00:17:42]It don't, you know, [0.7s] don't have influence and impact, but meaning take ourselves out of it and ask these beings, or at least to try to see these beings as their individual selves. And [00:17:57]you know, [0.2s] who does this person want to be? And how can I nurture that and help them thrive as who they want to be, not who I want to be and not who I want them to be, but who they want to be. So great job as a mom, Melanie, that's amazing that you're able to give that to her. I don't think that's easy either, and I don't think that our parents do that on purpose. I think my parents both really did the best that they possibly could, and it took me a very long time to find forgiveness and acceptance for who they are. I was very angry for a lot of my life, and I know that a lot of people can probably relate to help. Or you just feel this resentment and anger. And especially if you do go down this path of doing the inner work when you become self-aware and understand where your trauma comes from. The first part is anger and grief and shame and resentment, and all those feelings have a place and we need to have them. I think we need to have the burn off to get to the forgiveness acceptance. And I think a lot of people, myself included, struggle with getting past that step of anger because it's very hard to then look at ourselves and say, OK, wait a minute, but I'm choosing to carry this. I always talk about as a backpack like the backpack isn't found to you. You can take the backpack off any time, but it's hard to put that back down when we've been sharing it for a long time.
Melanie Barr [00:19:20] It's such a good way to look at it. [00:19:22]It's such a good way to look at it. [1.4s] And growing up, my mom would say, like with sports, she'd say, You have to try it once. I mean, I remember crying on the way to places because I didn't want to try it, and now I do that in my life today. I think as scary as this might be, I'm going to try. It once doesn't mean I have to continue doing it, but maybe I try it, and I thank God it's not for me. Or maybe I try it and I love it, and I try to try to do that with the twins as well to I tell them, just try it once. Not going to make you do it if it's not for you, but maybe you try it and it's something that you love. And with karate, [00:19:56]I [0.0s] I was a dancer and that brought a structure to my life in a way that I [00:20:02]kind of [0.3s] needed. [00:20:03]You know it. [0.8s] It brought the structure. Did that? Did that happen for you with karate? In a sense.
Mauri Konnell [00:20:10] Yeah, I think I did thrive on structure. My mom is definitely a very structured person, and I think that had an influence on me. My dad is the opposite. He's like, no structured funds.
Melanie Barr [00:20:21] [00:20:21]Kind of nice to have a bad guy. [1.6s]
Mauri Konnell [00:20:24] There wasn't a lot of balance in my house, but
Melanie Barr [00:20:26] [00:20:26]I made one, right? Sure. And one when. I mean, [2.8s] it's kind of nice to see both sides. (I get really loud here Rich....please clean it up as best you can.....thank you!)
Mauri Konnell [00:20:31] I think I totally definitely. [00:20:33]I think I think [0.8s] as humans, we do thrive on structure. See that, [00:20:39]you know, [0.1s] I have a newborn and I already see that in her life. We don't want to be rigid. We don't want to be confined to these boxes and strict rules. [00:20:48]But having [0.7s] I've heard this analogy of having the sandbox to play and write like cricket in the sandbox, so create a whole world. [00:20:56]Right? [0.0s] So they've got the bounds of the sandbox, but then they have unlimited opportunities within it. So, yeah, I do think that the structure of karate was so helpful for me. But. When I started healing my eating disorders and I started struggling with eating disorders very, very young, I was 12 years old and then my what I would call my first rock bottom was 13. I was hospitalized. That was extreme structure, right? That was rigidity and perfectionism and obsessive compulsive behavior. And often times in my life, I would notice this kind of theme of extremes where it would either be all or nothing black or white. And so structure for me now I notice sometimes I have fear around structure because I am afraid of that extreme again. So for me now, my work is finding discipline and finding grace and love with myself in the middle. And I think I'm especially now as a new parent, re learning that. [00:22:05]And, you know, really, [1.1s] I really been struggling with that of feeling not productive enough, feeling like I'm not doing enough, feeling like I'm not structured enough. But then also not necessarily having the motivation or the energy or the bandwidth to give myself more structure and productivity. And it's this very strange in-between that I'm experiencing right now.
Melanie Barr [00:22:31] I so understand it. I so thank you [00:22:34]100 percent, [0.4s] because all of a sudden you're you're used to being a very productive person, whatever that might mean to you, [00:22:40]right? [0.0s] And then you have children and you have to you have to help these beings into the world. So it's so hard to not look around and think, Oh, other people are doing these things. All I can say is be patient with yourself. And I joke that the twins took my multitasking skills to an entirely new level because I never understood the nap time. I would think, why are they so, [00:23:01]you know, [0.1s] rigid with the nap time? Well, I learned with two babies that I was not going to have any time to myself if I didn't have them asleep at the same time, because that was really the only time that I would get to myself during the day and having two babies at once in my life totally changed and I thought, OK, how can I bring I needed structure with two babies? I thought, How can I bring a little structure into the world? But I love your analogy of the sandbox because that makes them feel comfortable and loved, but yet [00:23:31]have the [0.6s] have the space to be creative and to be who they are. And as you were talking, I think I'm a very structured person, but I also [00:23:42]I have [0.2s] and I've had to learn this. I block out time for creativity where I think, OK, between this hour, I'm just going to dream right now. I am just going to let my mind do what it wants. I'm going to think about what it is I want to achieve and think about anything I want to think about, [00:23:59]right? [0.0s] But I think that's how I have learned to bring the creativity into my very structured life because with twins, it's like they play sports and we have to be here. We have to be there, [00:24:09]we have to be in certain places [0.6s] and then they have to go to bed. So they have a productive day at school the next day. But I think I bring in that creativity to myself by. By planning the time to let myself dream.
Mauri Konnell [00:24:22] I love that. I think that is so important, and 00:24:27 [0.6s] visualization and dreaming is such a huge part of my story and part of my life. So I [00:24:34]can [0.0s] I could not support that more. I think giving yourself time and I mean, I'm not super into astrology, but I'm Pisces. And their [00:24:44]prices are [0.4s] notorious for being dreamers and in their heads all the time and in dreamland. So I can definitely say that to me, but there's something really magical that happens, and I do this in my workshops and in my group and one on one sessions for girls empowerment experience, something very powerful that happens when we sta rt to visualize what we want and who we want to be, because I don't think that it's magic. I don't think the law of attraction is, oh, just think positively and believe that things will happen. I think what happens when we think about these things or visualize and think positively is we start to take action in alignment with it. And the more we connect with that visualization, the more we are going to take action that's aligned with those images in our mind. So giving yourself time to practice that is kind of like doing a workout for your mind, kind of like going to the gym for your mind. And as a result, you're probably going to see yourself taking more and more steps that are in the direction of those things that you want. And this again, does require a little bit of discipline and especially on those days where we have self-doubt or feel like giving up or feel like 00:25:57 [0.0s] this other path could possibly be easier for us. And I certainly experienced that early on in my business. But also even now, 00:26:07 [0.1s] I don't think that that work is ever finished. I think it is. It's always a cycle. It's not a straight line. And so really important to remember that
Melanie Barr [00:26:18] I love the discipline dreaming. I'm going to try that with Parker tonight at bedtime, and I'm going to do it myself. [00:26:24]I mean, we need something to do. You know, [1.7s] we read books and then we she always wants me to tell her a story that it'd be interesting to ask her to dream about, [00:26:33]you know, [0.1s] her future self and what she wants to be. And I mean, I can do that myself, too. [00:26:38]I mean, [0.0s] I think when you're growing a business and you're an entrepreneur and you build something from nothing, you're always thinking about what's next. And it's really hard to not be hard on yourself for not being a father. But we really are where we need to be, and as long as we keep making that progress feels good. Progress feels so good. And I think as long as we keep making progress and as a new mom, be extra patient with yourself, [00:27:03]extra patient with yourself [1.5s] because you will hit those those milestones and those things that you want to achieve. It might not happen as quickly as you want when they're little, but you'll start to get more time, they'll get older, they'll want to spend time with their friends and then you'll have more time [00:27:19]to put [0.1s] to put [00:27:21]back [0.0s] back into your business.
Mauri Konnell [00:27:24] Yeah, I think I couldn't agree more with you about progress, and I think even the smallest step forward is so important. [00:27:32]You know [0.1s] what, if we got one percent better every single day, how would that add up in a year and giving ourselves grace to just do one thing? Let that be more than enough? Let let your being be more than enough. Let rest be productive, right? But also knowing that even the smallest steps take us into the right direction, [00:27:52]then I, of course, it's always hindsight is always 20 20. But [3.5s] when I look at my life so far and I'm certainly not, I'm only thirty one. So my life is I haven't had a very long life in time, but I've [00:28:06]certainly lived a lot and [1.3s] I've lived many lives in my thirty one years and I can see how every tiny step that felt seemingly insignificant at the time led me to here. And that's something that I talk a lot with my older gals, my teenagers and young adults who I work with one on, one who really struggled to acknowledge their progress as they are struggling with eating disorders or body image or perfectionism in school or sports. 00:28:37 [0.0s] I notice that especially because they're so young. All things considered, when you're 17 or 18 and you've been struggling with something for a year and you feel like you don't, you're not seeing progress. A year out of 18 years is a much bigger fraction than a year out of thirty one years or a year out of forty one years, right? So it does feel very big, and it's really challenging for them to see how those tiny little steps continue to add up until one day. You're in a situation where you would have reacted differently and you respond and you're like, Oh, well, I would have acted totally different in the past six months ago. I would have reacted. Really differently than I did today. And those are the moments where we can acknowledge our growth, too, it doesn't always have to be material or it doesn't always have to be 00:29:26 [0.0s] financial and business, but it can also just be our way of being and our feeling and our [00:29:32]reactivity. Your [0.8s] response and noticing how or growing, [00:29:36]I think is is so and I'm saying I'm not saying this to tell anybody what to do. They're even saying this to teach myself again, as they often do in my work. Oh yeah, that can be enough. That can be progress and growth. Yeah, go ahead and [17.4s]
Melanie Barr [00:29:54] allowing yourself to feel success on your terms [00:29:57]like [0.0s] maybe success wasn't what you think someone on the outside might think, but maybe your success today is having an amazing day with your child and maybe your success tomorrow is going back to girls empowerment experience and helping other girls start or live an incredible life.
Mauri Konnell [00:30:14] Yes, I think defining success for ourselves is a really important step to take and one that I am really, to be perfectly honest with, I'm really struggling right now with that because I often feel like a [00:30:27]civil [0.0s] war inside of me between [00:30:30]the success that I grew up. Well, you know [3.4s] what, I grew up believing success is and what I want to define success as. But what I'm currently living in. [00:30:44]You know, [0.1s] how I define success for myself right now is not the way that I want to define success for myself right now. And I think that creates this self bullying. I bully myself and I beat myself up because I don't feel successful because my definition is one that is kind of old. And, [00:31:03]you know, [0.1s] as a new mom, I feel pressure now for this other being that I need to take care of an and so old voices start trickling back in and it's a struggle.
Melanie Barr [00:31:13] You're in the toughest moment because I felt this the most in my life when the twins were just born and you. [00:31:22]I mean, it's just it's [1.4s] I think women feel this the most, if they're if they're moms, when this happens because they have to stop and think, kind of who am I now? [00:31:32]Like, [0.0s] I know where I was before, but who am I now? Because all of a sudden you're caring for this being and [00:31:40]it's a big risk [0.5s] and you're exhausted. [00:31:42]So just know that a lot of times, a lot of times, some of the negativity can come in because [5.2s] maybe you got two hours of sleep and [00:31:50]you know, you're not [0.4s] you're not thinking thinking straight. I don't think I slept a full night for, like the first three years that the twins were born. So, [00:31:59]you know, but [0.4s] give yourself grace, because honestly, this time was the most challenging. The when they were young, like birth to three was probably [00:32:06]the most [0.1s] the most challenging for me as it relates to feeling successful and wanting to grow something and wanting to grow it at a faster pace [00:32:15]and thinking about [1.0s] and looking back, it was more me thinking about what other people were thinking than what I really had when I was really doing.
Mauri Konnell [00:32:27] Thanks for sharing that, [00:32:29]baby. [0.0s]
Melanie Barr [00:32:29] Be proud in your moments because the small moments can make a huge wave and ripple effects.
Mauri Konnell [00:32:36] Definitely. I believe that and and I think just having the awareness of it is so important because I think about what kind of success do I want to model for her [00:32:45]right? And how do I want to? [1.7s] Because I'm she's going to be, and there's no doubt that this girl is going to be her own person. Yes. Yeah. A big feeling wild, opinionated [00:32:56]gal [0.0s] already. But I do want to give you a model of success that was different than what was modeled to me. Because when we talk about structure and rigidity, the model that was shown to me wasn't very rigid and there was no flexibility for what success was or is. (you know) And I want to be able to give Kaia a the space to dream and the space to be different and the space to follow, like you said, to follow her heart and follow her, calling whatever that is and to define success, however she wants to define it. So many of the girls that I work with now [00:33:40]to [0.0s] struggle with this so deeply when it comes to school and grades and college and the pressure, a lot of pressure. Oh my goodness. When I was growing up, there was a lot of pressure and I remember having panic attacks and I always tell this story. But I was in middle school and it was actually a typing class and the assignment was to type your future resume. OK, so it wasn't even about the resume, but I absolutely lost my mind because how could I possibly create this resume that I wanted to change the world and be uber successful and make all this money and have this job and change all these people's lives? And I just couldn't as a 11 or 12 year old figure out how, how was I supposed to put this onto a piece of paper and articulate it into a future resume? And I was so overwhelmed. I remember stepping out of the class. I think I had a panic attack, so I definitely felt pressure to succeed. I definitely felt pressure with grades and college. But now the self-worth is tied to it and the way that I think parents also contribute to the pressure of achievement and how that relates to self-worth. At least with the people that I work with and granted, I probably work with a specific demographic of people because they come to me because they're like me, right? They are by nature and they relate to me. So that's why they work with me. But I do to see this enormous amount of pressure that the girls put on themselves and how tired they are to grades with being a good person and being worthy and being worthy of love and worthy of life. And it's so challenging for them to see an alternative. And I really want to be able to give girls the space to realize that in the grand scheme of things, these grades are not. We're never going to remember what we got on this paper or those tests or
Melanie Barr [00:35:49] good advice, really. My mom used to say, Do your best and forget about the rest. [00:35:53]I mean, [0.1s] my mom was a teacher with a master's in education, so she cared if I did well in school. But she would say, do your best because she knew I studied and she knew I was worried about it and she'd say, Just do your best and forget about the rest. And when you talk about eating disorders, I was thinking back as you were talking. [00:36:12]I was a [0.4s] I was on my dance team in college. I had an athletic scholarship for dance and they would weigh us in. [00:36:18]And if we did, [1.8s] they probably couldn't. Do that today by looking back, [00:36:24]I mean, [0.1s] I struggled with it a little bit about that time because [00:36:28]I thought, I don't want to spend, [0.9s] they would bench us for a game and I would think I don't want to be benched for a game. And when I tried out for the dance team I, my high school was an hour away from the college. My high school didn't have a dance team, but I danced from when I was young. We just had cheerleaders and I thought, I'm going to try out for the college dance team. And I think my parents were even surprised [00:36:48]that I just decided to do this. [1.9s] And so I went and I auditioned there, about 500 girls there. I made the cut to 50 and then I made the cut to 25, and then I wasn't one of the 20 chosen. They cut five and I was one of the five, and I went home and I was so devastated. 00:37:07 And I remember [1.0s] my dear instructor called my mom and said they're auditioning at the Knott's Berry Farm Type theme park, where I would have to sing, dance and act. And I thought how I just went through this rejection [00:37:21]like my I laid on the couch. [1.2s] I laid on the couch for a week and my mom says, you never said that still in your entire life. And she was so worried I wouldn't get up. And my mom said, I think you should audition. I said, Mom, I just went through all of this rejection. [00:37:33]And she says, Well, [0.5s] and she said to me, If you don't try in the future, looking back, will you always regret it? And the answer was yes. And so I went and I auditioned Addison Sing, Dance and act in a show six times a day, and they hired me and I made great. Many them are doing something that I loved. [00:37:50]You know, [0.1s] I learned to do things that I loved. Well, I got to college my freshman year and my roommate had made the dance team and I was struggling with those feelings of How am I going to watch her go and do all of the things that I really wanted to do. And a friend called me and said that one of the girls on the dance team broke their leg and they were having auditions for one person. And again, [00:38:12]I called my I called. [0.9s] I went to my mother for a lot of these conversations at that age, you know, at 17, 18, 19, and I said, How do I go audition in front of all these girls that no, I didn't make it the first time. [00:38:24]You know, [0.1s] I went through this huge rejection. What if I go through that all over again? And she said, again, if you and
Mauri Konnell [00:38:30] what know people going to think of me, right, like one of these girls in effect? Yeah, I was
Melanie Barr [00:38:34] so consumed with that. And my mom said, If you don't try, will you always regret it? And the answer was yes. And thankfully, I had danced all summer long and was actually in better shape than [00:38:43]when I [0.3s] when I auditioned originally and I auditioned and I was the one person that they picked. And so that was the biggest life lesson because I got to do two things. I got to be on the dance team and then I also got to dance on the show all summer long, where if I need it the first time, I wouldn't have been able to do that. Another lesson it taught me is after my sophomore year of college, we won the national dance competition and I was on ESPN and that was a big deal. But then I thought to myself, I'm probably not going to dance after college, [00:39:15]like, [0.0s] I think I want something new now. And so [00:39:19]I [0.0s] I quit school and I ended up finishing college at Loyola Marymount in L.A., but I came home and quit school and told my parents, [00:39:27]you know, [0.1s] I'm moving to Los Angeles and they, you know, looked at me like, You have this, [00:39:31]you know, [0.1s] you have an athletic scholarship and you have friends and you know, things are going well for you. But I wanted to make a change. So I think it's so important to let [00:39:40]probably young [0.5s] girls know that if they're on a path because everyone thought I should stay on this path and stay on the dance team for four years, and that's just what I should do. But that's not what I wanted. [00:39:52]You know, [0.2s] so sometimes we work so hard to get something [00:39:56]right. [0.0s] And looking back, I'm glad that I appreciated the fact that it happened and that I felt good about it and that I just decided, OK, I'm not going to go into musical theater after college. [00:40:06]I'm not, you know, [0.8s] dancing is not going to be a career for me after college, so I'm going to go do something else. But I think it's important because sometimes we get on this path and we think we can't get off of it, even if it takes, even though maybe I want to.
Mauri Konnell [00:40:21] Yes, it takes so much courage to follow your own path, especially when you don't know what your path is. And as a young person and sometimes we we don't know where we're going or how we're going to get there. And so sometimes just taking that next indicated step is all we ever have to do. And in your case, is that next indicated step was not doing something right, like not doing that, then that's your next indicated step, even when it doesn't make sense, even when other people are telling you that you're crazy, even when other people are trying to make you go down their path because it makes them feel more comfortable about their lives and their choices. And so it takes so much courage to follow your own path, especially when you don't know what that looks like. And I think our fear of the unknown as humans, we all face this fear of uncertainty and for some of us can feel really extreme and really tear. I mean, especially if you're like me and I'll say this with love, ah, control freak and love control and love predictability because it makes you feel safe. [00:41:30]You know, [0.0s] I growing up didn't have a lot of certainty and certainly didn't have a lot of control. I didn't. I didn't have predictability in my household growing up. And so as an alternative, I developed 00:41:44 [0.0s] the need for certainty and control because then I could feel safe. So when we're following our own path, there's not a lot of that. There's not a lot of predictability, and that's very scary. And I also heard something in your story that I think is such a great tool that I often use. And the tool is, how do I want to tell a story? And I actually learned it from Dr. Mike Jabbar's, who is a sports psychologist. He has some really amazing work out there if you check him out on Instagram. But he says, ask yourself, how do I want to tell this story? And this might even be something that you do with Parker at nighttime. When you're talking about dreaming and visualization, ask her to tell you a story, Parker. Tell me a story of what happens when you're 17. Tell me the story of what happens when you're 30. I mean, the story of what happens when you're a mommy. Tell me the story of what happens at your job rate. And so when we start, start talking these dreams out loud or writing them down and we we can start to write our own story and we can own our story who we were. But we can start to write our story of who we want to become. And sometimes having that future perspective, looking down at our self or looking back at ourselves can help motivate us to take that next step because of how don't want to tell a story doesn't have to be perfect either. How do I want to tell the story can be, Oh my gosh, I was up against my edge. It was really scary. I was so afraid of being rejected. I was so afraid of what these other girls were going to think of me. I was afraid that I was going to fail again and have to face that pain again of laying on the couch for a week because it was so uncomfortable and so painful. I was so afraid that people would judge me and think I was stupid for trying again. And I decided that I was going to face those fears and I got up on the stage and [00:43:37]I, you know, [0.6s] I took a deep breath. I visualized how I was going to dance before I was going to do it. And then I just I listened to the music [00:43:45]and let my body get into a state of flow. And I followed. I followed my impulses. [4.1s] I followed my instinct. I felt so good and so proud of myself, and I made the team right. And so that's something that you could say to yourself before you go into the audition, right? If you want to create the success of making the team. Well, let's write that story. If you want to create the success of a relationship, if you want to create the success of a business going to create the success of your body image, tell yourself that story. Write that story before it even happens. In fact, have gratitude for it before it even happens. That's a wild one. And we are grateful. [00:44:21]I can't say that hasn't happened. [1.3s]
Melanie Barr [00:44:23] Yes, with Parker and with Elliot, too, because boys, I think guys need this just as much as girls and Parker. Often when people ask me as we're going to say, tell me the story about this because I try to be very open with her about my failures and how sometimes I failed. And that was the best thing that could happen because not making the team the first time, the first week, it didn't feel like that. But later I look back [00:44:46]and I'm like, [0.2s] I got to do two things instead of one. So failing, and it also made me more resilient. So, [00:44:51]you know, [0.1s] I have gratitude now for that failure.
Mauri Konnell [00:44:55] Yeah, a lot of people say, fail forward, right? [00:44:57]Like, [0.0s] there's that great quote. Renee Brown talked about this all the time where if you're not failing, you're not even in the arena, right? If we fail, then we know we're in the game. We know we've got skin in the game. And it's also about redefining what failure is right. Like baby must
Melanie Barr [00:45:14] we have if we're not failing, we're not trying.
Mauri Konnell [00:45:17] Exactly, exactly. So in that case, you can actually look at failure as a success. You could look at it as a part of your success if you're quote failing. [00:45:28]But I don't. [0.3s] I think the ongoing true failure is is not trying at all. Yeah.
Melanie Barr [00:53:40] I love it, and I have loved our conversation so much. I feel like I could talk to you all day. Thank you. Thank you so much for joining me and for joining us today. Can you please tell our listeners how and where they can find you?
Mauri Konnell [00:53:56] Yes, I [00:53:57]probably [0.0s] spend most my time on Instagram, so that little corner of the internet is at Marie Helena, which is a two hour i h e e and then girls empowerment experience dot com and at Girls Empowerment Experience is where you can find all of the things about my mentorship and coaching program for movement, mindfulness mindset and mental health. 00:54:19 [0.0s] And we work with kids, young adults and grown up boys and girls, so you can find out all about it there.
Melanie Barr [00:54:26] And you are so good at what you do and you are helping so hundreds of women and young people start their lives. So it's incredible. So thank you for doing what you do.
Mauri Konnell [00:54:38] Thank you for letting me share it and thank you for being a part of it and being part of my story and being such a great cheerleader for so many people to help them follow their hearts and believe in themselves. [00:54:51]Thank you. [0.3s]
Melanie Barr [00:54:54] [00:54:54]I feel like I could talk to you all day. [1.2s]
Mauri Konnell [00:54:56] [00:54:56]Yeah, I do. Easy. All right. You know me. I'll gab forever. I.