Confidence & Worth: A Success Framework

Speaker 1: [Music] the foundation of worth esteem and confidence worth is first and foremost you need to know that you're worthy in order to have esteem and esteem is value and appreciation of self and it's learning how to trust yourself how to make sure that you are going from thought to feeling to decision to action in a way toward the person that you are trying to become I'm Melanie bar welcome back to the Shalit podcast your go-to place to empower you to live the life and business that you crave I'm here to talk about everything from Having the courage to make life and career leaps to the details of how to lead effectively create successful teams Implement strategies for growth and Infuse Tech Innovation I'm here to celebrate your wins and navigate through your challenges I live in the city now but I grew up in a town of a thousand people I've navigated major life leaps a senior level corporate career worked in professional sports and now as a successful entrepreneur who loves business technology family and making meaningful connections with you and the Sheil it Community I also love a good workout and dose of self-care magic happens when we focus on the part of ourselves and our business that brings us joy so turn up the audio open your favorite Notes app grab your favorite drink and here we go welcome back to the shil to podcast thank you for joining us Nelly you are a mother of four an author and you're running a coaching business tell us about that and what led you to start your business hi first of all thank you for having me on I have a background in biology and psychology I was a young woman who left home on my own when I was 17 I graduated early and went off to college about seven hours away from home and I really didn't have a foundation myself built of worth esteem and confidence and when you're released out into the world without that you are then attracted to anything that would give that to you you're chasing your worth everywhere which is what I did and it brought me down some really difficult roads that took decades to really even recognize and then start to heal from and in the midst of that and getting my degrees and biology and psychology and getting into the work field I was also blessed with four daughters within four years of each other and that was after going through like I said I was in my own healing Journey we also went through infertility and then we had four daughters and years and then my husband ends up in ICU with a heart condition and so we had a lot of things happening all at the same time and it was just this really big Awakening of looking at my four daughters and saying we have a very limited amount of time it doesn't feel limited within the moment but we really do have a very limited amount of time being 6570 days give or take that's how many days are in 18 years to be that biggest impact biggest influence in their lives in helping them shape uh this Foundation of worth esteem and confidence in who they are becoming and so it really started over a decade ago and I started working in positive family disciplines and helping families connect and communicate and have Clarity over certain issues when Co happened we had already been homeschooling for about five years so a lot of people were reaching out to me saying how do you do this I don't understand and so I really started walking people through how to bring in a new role into your home and how to again connect communicate and have Clarity over this whole new realm and that's really what started me down the path I am now in helping specifically parents that are raising young women today build this foundation in them before they leave home that's the very short version of how I got to what I am doing today you mentioned leaving home at 17 I left home at night so I understand that but 17 is really young to be going out on your own and I see how you had to figure out a way to find that confidence to keep going without any kind of family support living with you yeah yeah absolutely and part of the problem is too all four of my daughters now are between 15 and 19 years old so we are very much in the thick of everything adolescent teenage high school college but when I left when I was 17 I roomed blind and I was in a town I had only been to once for an orientation a couple of months prior and the woman that I was roomed with was a party girl from Florida that seemed outwardly to have a whole lot of confidence and so she was like come on this is what we're doing and I was like okay I guess this is what we're doing and I started following everything because I had potential but I didn't have any propensity in me right then to lead myself and so I followed this until I absolutely broke and it really only took eight weeks to absolutely break in on myself and any shred of identity that I had was broken at that time and I had to rebuild this Foundation as an adult which is much harder because I didn't even realize the degree of the trauma and things that I had gone through and faced until years down the road and anyone that's been through trauma knows that it's this weird vicious cycle that comes around and slaps you sideways when you least expect it and then you are left to pick yourself back up all over again out of the middle of nowhere and that's what was happening to me and so it took me a while to even understand what traumas and to what degree I'd been through but then having to build this worth esteem and confidence within myself as an adult and really take a jackhammer to the foundation faulty as it may have been that I had in order to build something of actual substance and I did some of that right alongside doing it for my daughters and it's so hard to do that it's so hard to look within at times and figure those things out and I'm a mom of twins I have 10 yearold twins a boy and a girl and I went through IVF and understand I can't imagine having four in four years I thought two at once was tough but I understand CU today with technology it seems like they grow up so much quicker and it's interesting with twins cuz I'm seeing a girl and a boy at the same time my daughter came home and started experiencing some things with friends and things around four friend doesn't want to play with me and I joke I call myself psychologist mom when as a mom who has she built it I'm definitely empowerment but I have had to talk her through so many of these situations and it seems so much younger than I went through them yeah 100% there was recently an article and something that came out from the government that said and I was sitting at a tennis match watching my three daughters who are all on a tennis team and I was sitting next to other moms and I saw this come up on my phone and I was like Wow and the title was that parenting is difficult and I was like we needed someone to tell us that parenting is difficult yes parenting is difficult but why today and it really got me thinking is parenting actually more difficult today and to your point it's reaching we have to have these hard discussions hard decisions younger and younger and it really falls on a few things and number one is that there's a lot more Cooks in the kitchen so to speak than they're used to be so many more we have the influencers we have all of the shs that are out there we have so many other people speaking into our private family life and to be fair some families really do need that but unfortunately it was blanketed to everybody and now we all have all of this coming in to our lives right coaches teachers schools in general government agencies if they will and some of them are so super helpful and needed but we have a lot more Cooks in the kitchen than we used to have and then there's just the issue of time we're much more busy as a culture now than we ever were before so we're trying to fit in these great family values these discussions this building of them I call parents Architects because we're building the beginning of someone else's life and we're trying to fit that into a much smaller space because we're so busy because of again of all those shs out there I moved from a big city our family has lived in Chicago Indianapolis and now we live in a small coastal town in North Carolina and one of the parts of the push for that is when my kids I have twins too my twins are 16 but when they were probably three someone was like they're not in travel gymnastics yet and I was like no am I bad if they're my three-year-olds are not in yes so competitive and we did do travel gymnastics just with one of them later on when they were in second grade because she that was something she wanted to do and it took up so much of our time I can't imagine we wouldn't have been able to operate with four and travel anything and so time is an issue absolutely and then there's just a lot more rules and parents feel like they're being pushed under the thumb of so many rules and regulations that they're backing up and being friends instead of being parents first and so those are just some things that we're facing today but our kids are facing so much more at school under those same pressures and coming home and they're like I'm four years old old and I don't know why this friend quote unquote of mine is treating me this way and then you have to have those conversations with them and it's really hard I've had a lot and I can tell when my daughter needs to have them with me she'll be like Mom can we talk and I'm so glad she opens up like that it's also the technology balance and then also my daughter has been already at 10 Cyber Bullied a little bit with a p a distorted picture was put into a group chat and I wasn't happy that it happened but I'm glad that she's experienced it now versus later because I think she was able to process and deal with it and I said this is not really what you look like you know that and then there's so many TV shows now that she's seen where other people have been Cyber Bullied so that part helped because she thought I'm not the only one that this happened to and she I think because of all of our conversations lets things roll off her back pretty easily but going through that at 10 was surprising to me and I know it's it will probably happen again with all the things we can do with tech absolutely and those conversations are truly vital and to your point that shows can be not in excess over excess of course but I think they can be such a launching point for some really tough conversations that they might not be experiencing yet but they will come and when they do they'll have some footing in it and so with our for daughters we've watched all the classics we have watched the Dawson's Creek and the Gilmore Girls and the One Tree Hill we have watched so many of the classics and talked about drinking and talked about phones and using phones and driving and it's just one of those things that when you're watching something you could be like wow that was a really tough decision they had to make do you think they made the right choice and just see what they had to say and going back and forth and it gives you a ground to start walking on and so when it does come to them later on it's not a surprise you already have some under your belt so to speak I'm so glad you brought up Gilmore Girls It's so funny that show got us through Co Parker and I watched it we watched every season at least twice and she was a little young for it at the time I kept my finger on the remote in case it was needed but it taught her so many lessons that she's using I know today with everything that Rory goes through and navigating those challenges absolutely and in something like Gilmore Girls they both Laur and Rory mom and daughter if you haven't watched it anyone listening they did not always make the right choices but in that there are lessons too and so there were many times where laurelai the mother would make more of to our Point earlier she would be a friend more than she would be a parent and it did not work out well for them and it didn't work out well for Rory in the moment right when she needed support and comforting that is absolutely one thing but you can do that as a parent and not just be a friend also so there's so many lessons that can come with it plus it's cute little quaint town and fun characters but also lauraliz parents and what happened there and the breakdown of that relationship and that is not what I ever want to see happen to myself and my daughters or anyone else in their kids so what do you think Laur I could have done to prevent this because that was obviously something very traumatizing they all went through how do you think they could have restrung that rope between them and just having those conversations too so important and I'm constantly talking to them about reading the room seeing what their friends are doing and is that something that you think you should be doing and thinking a step further if you do it what comes next and also figuring out the Dynamics of the friends as they're in those situations cuz sometimes friends can try to get them to do something that they shouldn't do so it's let's read the room let's think this through before we jump 100% the foundation of worth esteem and confidence worth is first and foremost you need to know that you're worthy in order to have esteem and esteem is value and appreciation of self and it's learning how to trust yourself how to make sure that you are going from thought to feeling to decision to action in way toward the person that you are trying to become so that goes exactly with what you are saying right now am I being influenced in the way of the per the person I'm trying to become or are they taking me away from this and if they are then we need to make some decisions and sometimes those are hard decisions never to be rude and never to be like I can't be with you because you're not helping me become the person I'm trying to be but find other communities people adults other kids that can get you to a place of when I'm around around them I am becoming more of the person that I want to become you are also an author and run a coaching business tell us a little bit about that what was the path like to becoming an author for you I was doing a lot of writing before my husband got sick which I mentioned earlier on the show so when he got sick is a heart condition and in the author realm you hear a lot of authors say oh I put it in the drawer for a while I literally put it in a drawer for a good long while and I went through so much life in that time and it really did help me become a better writer through experience and when I was able to take that out I started writing for small Publications for magazines just based off of the experiences and teachings that I was doing and then I'd someone reach out and ask if I wanted to co-author a book no problem parenting so I was able to do that which was a fantastic experience and then I wrote my own scripture journal for 40 scriptures and conversations to have when raising daughters and now I'm working on my first full solo manuscript yeah that's it oh and then the yeah the coaching the coaching really came alongside I was in several different mom's clubs Grant when you have four daughters in four years and you have a sick husband in that meantime you get out and you find your people Twins and a set of twins which I didn't know yeah set of twins in the middle so yeah you get out and find your people I was learning i' I am a lifelong learner I added up just for curiosity sake how many pages I had read this summer and it was over 5,000 I just love to read and learn and I always do non-fiction and it was just interesting because I would go to one talk and they would try to give all these shs and I'm like my daughters are four corners of a square they're all very different young women and that might work for that one a part of that might work for that one but it's definitely not going to work for these two and then conversely I would go to the next week and they would be like oh you know that philosophy I had just learned about the week before that's all baloney you need to do this philosophy and I was like okay this is ridiculous and so developing this way I was like how can we raise each one of our children and for me each one of my young women to be the best version of themselves what does the structural blueprint look like for that and so that's when I started building the framework for this Foundation which is it makes it so that everyone will walk away from this with a unique Foundation built just for them but it's the blueprint for it because parents are The Architects I can't tell you how to raise your kids you know what things they need most what they crave most how they relate to the world how they teach how they learn all of those things so I want to give you the framework so that you can make sure they have these layers of this Foundation built for them to make them the best version of them themselves and to create in them the self-discipline leader they can be to equip them for life after they leave home so that's when this started being put together and it was developed over time and I put out my program is called take the lead and it's all about loving and leading her to a place that she can love and Lead herself before she leaves home and I did group programs for a while and I did cohorts for a while and then I just realized people just need this honestly lifelong and to go through it at their Pace because everyone has a different travel gymnastics season or we have these different busy seasons and the fact of the matter is how your daughter or child is at 11 is different than they're going to be at 13 and different than at 15 and so we need to keep revisiting these principles that grow with your child in order to get them to that point before they leave home so it really is Lifetime access as soon as you come in and you can always have access to me as well and it grows with you as you go along you can go through it all when they're 11 you can go through it all when they're 12 I have some people that do it annually some people that do it every three years but they get to do that over and over again it's so true because they're so different you know my twins are could not be more in some ways they're similar but in a lot of ways they could not be more different magic happens when we focus on the part of our business and our s that brings us joy what is one thing that you do to make sure that you're finding and living your joy I know we talked a lot about writing and coaching and the business side of things yeah honestly when I can see the change happen when I get texts or calls from parents or the teens and themselves and they're just like oh this helped so much and I see it now or I was able to do this where I could never have done that before or I had a really hard breakup or a friendship deteriorated and it would have absolutely destroyed me before but I see my own worth in it now and thank you so much for teaching me how to find that worth and it really is I love to serve if I just spend my whole life serving and helping others that will be a life well- lived for me but when you get to see the fruition and the fruit of that service it's just lifegiving thank you for joining us today and for all that you're doing for our next Generation please tell our listeners how and where we can find you absolutely yeah it's very easy just hard.com that's n l l i h a r deen.com and you'll find all the social channels on there you'll be able to join the community I can come into your inbox every week and give you ideas and show you where I've been speaking like right here on this amazing show there's master classes there's downloads there is a way that you can work oneon-one with me and there's also the Take the Lead program all on the website thank you for joining us today I'd love to hear from you reach out to me at hello Sheil it.com on our Sheed website or at Sheed on social thank you to my editor Rich stalino who always makes us sound good until next time let nothing stop you from experiencing the life and business that you crave