Lead with Your Unique Presence

Speaker 1: hi I'm Melanie bar welcome to the she builted experience with Melanie you're here because you want to experience the life and business that you crave join me as I talk to women who have successfully built it a career and business that they love we dive into the topic of how they built it and talk about everything from Having the courage to make career leaps to the details of how to lead effectively create successful teams Implement strategies for growth and Infuse Tech innovation magic happens when we focus on the part of ourselves and our business that brings us joy so let's dive in 2D tly is a leadership and executive coach sought-after speaker and author of the book make space to lead she has helped dozens of top performers uncover their passions and get back on the path to work fulfillment from Stanford to a seemingly effortless climb up the career ladder tutty has been a lifelong superachiever she spent 22 years as a design leader at design firms startups and large companies including Disney and Facebook as a leadership and executive coach she helps entrepreneurs startup Founders corporate leaders and other high Achievers design the life they've always wanted thank you for joining me today toti I'm excited to be here Melanie on your website you say I'm prickley and I thrive on the unexpected I will see the best in you help you dream bigger and hold you to those dreams I absolutely love that you have worked for well-known companies Disney and Facebook to name a few what gave you the idea and the courage to make your leap to become an executive coach yeah to be honest Melanie I don't think it was my own courage I think it was a reaction to different circumstances and experiences that that that happened to me I had been in corporate for 22 years working at a lot of these big companies as well as for startups and Design Studios and over the course of a year Year my father-in-law passed away and I had known him since I was 18 he was suffering from a rare form of cancer so it had been a couple of years um i' known him since I was 18 he was like my American father and the second thing that happened I ended up getting divorced and I had two School AG kids it wasn't something that I expected at all and then finally in the course of one year my father also ped I'm him and my family live in Thailand I'm a first generation immigrant and all three of those things together the most terrible year of my life hard was hard but it helped me to really think and focus about what I wanted and different people have different purposes for different phases of their life and for me for that particular time I knew that I wanted to focus on my family and my children and I also knew that I know longer wanted to work these 60 80 hour weeks for for someone else so that was the impetus towards starting my own business isn't it so interesting how when we have kids or when we have these moments that Force us to slow down it's when we really look inside ourselves and figure out what we really want and you have so much experience working for well-known companies and it's great that you can now take that experience and help other people absolutely and change is hard change challenge all of this is so hard to deal with dealing with transitions but that's what makes us grow yeah and that's beautiful yeah and when you come from working for these large companies and well-known companies I used to work for the Los Angeles Dodgers you make these leaps and you think who am I now you're right you're so right about the changes and the pivots because I have so many conversations with women who as our lives change and grow and life experiences happen like you mentioned we have to Pivot at times with those moments and do the things that honor us absolutely so much of my identity was caught up up in in working in the products that I launched in the brands that I helped that was I would say that was my professional identity but I would also say that kind of encompassed a lot of the entirety of my identity and I find that happens with a lot of the startup CEOs that I work with because it's their company it's their thing happens with a lot of entrepreneurs that identity becomes so iMed so true you also mentioned one key tool of coaching is asking powerful ful questions to elicit Insight from your clients share with us a moment where you asked a powerful question to a client and how that helped to better their life I was talking to a woman she is a woman of color and she wanted to have a louder leadership presence in these executive rooms she's often the only woman the most Junior person and the only person of color she was struggling with imposter syndrome not quite sure how she was going to speak up and and do this well was really interesting I asked her let's play a game if we're going to think about where things are um let's transport ourselves three years into the future you know it's 2024 right now and the last three years of your life have been the most amazing and fulfilling and wonderful both personally and professionally tell me what's happened and use the present present tense and that question completely shifted her energy because it went from what's wrong with me how do I solve this problem and it shifted it for her into this space of vision and dreaming and what is it that really matters in her life and I remember seeing her face and how she transformed and softened in that and of course we went back eventually to figure out what some tactics and actions for her immediate dilemma but that was something that really shifted the energy of the conversation you mentioned that you thrive in the unexpected that had to be a question that she was not expecting I think that's so right right cuz so many of us we live in these patterns these Behavior patterns these subconscious patterns and we just we just keep on going um like like zombies on autopilot so I think a lot of what my job is is to break people out of the patterns become more playful help them recognize that they're stuck in a pattern first and then they can choose what they want to do with it you wrote a book titled make space to lead what was your inspiration writing your book and loved reading about you before this interview about how you're constantly reading and learning and taking in various kinds of knowledge I think I've always been like that since I was a little girl a lot of the concepts of the book hinge around these two things if you think about a balance beam there's a balance beam between being and doing and for myself for most of the clients that I've supported we are so over indexed towards the doing it's like what's the next goal what's the next Milestone what's the next release how are we going to hit these achievements how do we hit these financial goals it's it's the culture of tech it's the culture of the western world it's this culture of success and what I've learned through being a professional designer for for 22 years is that you can't force creativity and flow and drive ironically enough I knew that in my work as a designer I didn't quite know that so well for for my personal and professional life but but if we talk about this balance beam of being versus doing so many of us are just bped completely indexed onto the doing instead what really matters is the being part of it and you brought up Tech and I think that's so true Tech helps us so much in our lives today in our personal lives and our work lives but it has caused us to get to this pace where we just move so fast we have this Badge of busyness you know it's like how are you doing oh I'm so busy I'm so overwhelmed I'm doing all this and it goes back to what you were talking about about this identity your identity is so un important so un successful because you're so busy and instead I wrote makes space to lead to talk about the other side the the doing side The Becoming side the who you are the emotions the energy The Joy the flow the creativity what I talk about because I've seen this through my work as a designer as someone who creates products and now as a coach is that when you slow down when you make space when you give time for that creativity to to gestate and flow flowing down to rest and take space will actually make you even more successful and fulfilled you need those periods of rest and Rejuvenation and then you also need periods of go go go but so often we're stuck into that one mode you're so right and you mentioned you have two girls and it's so interesting because I worked for the Dodgers and all I would joke that my car would only drive to Dodger Stadium because I was there 10 to 15 hour days during the season and then leaving Sports and I have twins who just turned eight over the weekend I went from working since I was 16 years old and loving to work and thriving on work to sitting in a nursery literally sitting there with two babies who I love so much but they didn't talk back to me it forced me to slow down in a way that I probably wouldn't have had I not had twins but to also think about what is it that I really want and I think it's that way for so many women when I had my oldest daughter she's 13 now I was working for a design studio and we serviced lots of clients we helped the world's biggest brands really dream up what's the future of connected homes what's the future of autonomous vehicles and they asked me to go back to work after four weeks wow and and I did that's the part of it where that was such my identity and such being driven that that I get that that had to be hard because what you were doing was so fun and exciting but I also see how you're missing out on this part of yourself too you know absolutely part of me thought that I had it all because when I had my second daughter they asked me to do the same thing and I was like no but I will go to London On Assignment because you want me to help with this large um Media telecoms company and I said that's fine but you're going to hire a nanny and we're going to bring my daughter with me because it's really important for me to keep breastfeeding and doing this and I think at that time I thought that I could have it all I could balance I could be like that jet setting working mom with baby and toe and it took me many many years later to realize that that was a path for disaster and burnout and overwhelm and there was just no time to breathe or think or do anything else I do love that you went for it and that you took with you I mean it maybe you looking back it might not have been exactly a perfect moment but it that's one of the shifts we need in the work world today you know we are mothers we're going to continue to have kids but that doesn't necessarily only Define who we are absolutely I was lucky enough to be in a position of privilege that I could negotiate for that in my work that I could say Well I will do what you want but here are my conditions and many people don't have that right but I love that you stood up for yourself and that you you asked for it cuzz some people might not have even done that even in that position and even with you know that opportunity so at least you tried too I mean maybe it would have worked out and you would have loved it but you listen to yourself too to what you need and what's right for you and as you alluded to for my website I've tended to be prickly and challenging and demanding and ask for what I what I need and I think a lot of that comes from having been a woman in Tech for so long and having having to put on that armor I'm sure you know that from from working at the Dodgers just being that person having to put on that armor that commanding way just so you could hang with the boys prove your worth and all of that stuff that was um I'd say so somewhat anti really leading leading from being a feminine leader I actually learned to like being underestimated because I'm not afraid to negotiate with all of my past career experiences so when I start to do it I like it when I'm someone's taken off guard a little bit when I am not afraid I love it I am someone who likes to work and I love what I do so at times I can easily be consumed by it what are a few tips that you can give us for making space to lead yeah so here's the thing I'm not going to be like don't work this many hours don't go don't drive hard because I think it's a balance and I think that balance is dependent on every every person and there might be times in your life where go go go drive working all the time just constantly driving to Dodger Stadium that might be perfect and right for you and that's okay I think what you want to watch for is energy Joy play if you're driven by it and it invigorates you and you can't wait to go and keep going maybe something happens maybe they win win these games win the championship and you're like yes I love my work I want to keep doing that then I say go for it keep doing that because that's going to sustain you I think it's hard to sustain that level of work and professionalism unendingly over months years or Decades of your life I've worked with three time CEOs and I'm working with them now in their 40s and their 50s and they look at me and they're like yeah I've been doing this my entire life I've sold and exited multiple companies but is there more and so what I think the thing that you look for is that is that feeling when it's not fun anymore when the energy is not there anymore when you're starting to get overwhelmed burned out you just look for that negativity it's not necessarily going to be over a day or two right everyone's G to have bad days everyone's G to have oh my gosh I don't want to get out of bed on Monday mornings but you look at this over a period of time and be like what what is happening where is my overall energy why am I fatigued all the time and those are the periods of time that I think you really need to make space to lead and what that means can be different for for different people for some people and for many of us especially in the United States one first easy trigger is to take a vacation at least this is a pattern break this is just stop with the work for I would say at least a week if possible two or three because that at least gives you the space to be like okay how do I stop and consider what is it that really matters I want to keep doing this what am I missing out on and some people will come back from that vacation rejuvenate excited want to work more and that's great and others will come back with a okay I need to make a change I need to do something different so I'm using vacations as an example because it's probably the most easily accessible that's great advice because you might come back ready to take on more but that's something that we all do but when you look at it in the mindset of okay I'm going to go on vacation and see how I feel when I come back that's an interesting way to set up that thought process I think the other part of it too is see how you feel when you're on vacation I think in a lot of the research it can take us 72 hours to slow down you might still be like go go go I just got to check in the office with something okay what are all the activities I want to plan or are we going to do that store what are the restaurants we need um we need to get the reservations in otherwise we won't get to eat at that really amazing place and then I found that there's a magical place after about 3 days where you slow down and that's why think you need vacations of a couple of weeks and that's when you slow down and you go into the all right what do I want to do today let's see what that feels like so I think it's noticing that feeling and that energy while on vacation and being like hey what is different with this and regular life can I bring some of this in or am I a person who's okay just being different go go go all the time at work taking this time for vacation that could work too and maybe you need a vacation every month so true and it's it's interesting how we change as as we grow in our lives at Dodger Stadium I was in my late 20s and then I started looking around thinking well I'm not dating cuz I'm living at work and I'd eventually like to have a family and I almost went to work at Staple Center after but I was sitting in management meetings and they would say well if there's a concert you might have to be here at 600 and who knows when you're going to leave and I thought okay I need to make a shift and a transition and it's those moments where we decide to make those pivotal leaps in our life absolutely and I think changes as you said depending on where you are in your life there's different priorities I think it's really easy in your 20s to spend a ton of time at work I do think work is a great place to develop an identity it's a great place to build your drive build your professionalism figure out what is it you really love to do and then there's a time when that might not be the top priority anymore of course it can be important but balanced against other things like Partners or family or something else so true what is one thing that your business has done for you or taught you and your clients that you didn't realize would happen one thing that I really love about what I do is that Leadership Lessons come from come from everywhere I feel that I'm finally in a place where what I do professionally and how I live my life personally are really completely integrated and what I mean by that is it everything can be really unexpected for example I'm I'm a surfer I use a lot of Surfing metaphors in in the book make space to lead but about a month ago I had the worst accident that I've ever had so I still have like the remains of a black eye um some that and this is four weeks later I'm completely okay there was some scary periods but I'm completely okay but what I love and what's been really unexpected about this journey is every single thing is not a disaster it's simply a thing that a thing that happened a thing that happened in life and so there's so much to be learned from it whether it's resilience whether it's the fact that I still have trouble asking for help with people that I still you know want to keep going despite um being slower because I'm suffering from maybe the late effects of a concussion so that's a learning and then the other learning is that everything that I go through and everything that my clients go through they teach me as much as I teach them because it's everything is connected and there's leadership opportunities all around isn't that such a beautiful thing it really is and it makes it super fun yeah I truly believe you can learn something from everyone I was curious CU I live in a Beach Community how you tie surfing into your teaching and what you do now so I learned to surf in Newport Beach California you know I was living a couple of houses from the beach and I figured hey I got a start this it's something that I wanted to do and I think surfing was my path out of this continual doing striving must be good at everything that I do because for the amount of time I spend in the water and surfing and doing it I'm a terrible Surfer but I love it I love it so much many people think of Surfing as you see that powerful person up riding the wave and car in and doing Aerials and doing cutbacks and all of these things but the reality is that is so little in the over the course of a of a surfing session if I'm out for an hour or two I might spend five seconds up and riding the wave and instead there's these other aspects there's these other aspects as I'm sure you know you've got to train you've got to paddle you've got to you've got to get strong and stretch and really keep practicing and going and then there's a lot of sitting in your surrounded by nature and it's beautiful and there's animals out and you're scanning The Horizon to see what's coming and what the next waves are and for me it's such a beautiful analogy for putting in the effort putting in hours but also be waiting to be patient to look and see what's the right way for me and not always having to take the first one a lesson I still have trouble learning and so to me it's just this beautiful analogy that there's all these different pieces of time and it's not not always just that heroic moment up and riding the wave it has to be so therapeutic and I would also think it would remind us of how small on this world we really are because the ocean is just massive and its own you know beast and being and itself absolutely and we talked a little earlier about how do PE people know and how do they make space to lead a lot about of it is about contact switching and it can be as easy as just getting outside getting away from behind a computer and just stepping outside being out in nature taking a walk looking at the stars there is something incredibly therapeutic about changing that context there's so many days in our life and I still do it well I'll look up and I'll be like oh my gosh it's dinner time and I haven't walked outside especially in covid times now right I feel so guilty because I live by the ocean and I'm only a few blocks so it wouldn't take long of a walk to see it but some days I go and I don't see it and I'm thinking okay this is wrong because it takes you out of whatever work mode or whatever has happened during the day and just helps those things just dissipate exactly stepping outside that's an instant way to take some space magic happens when we focus on the part of ourselves and our business that brings us joy what is one tip that you can leave with us today about how you find and live your joy I think a lot of times we'll think about big things like when's that next vacation or oh my gosh I'm going to this really lovely dinner or this concert that's up ahead what I've been spending a lot of time on is daily small bits of joy and and gratitude it's going through the course of a day and being like and looking at oh what was that taste of that bite of food and for me I have cats what does it feel like just to sit for a moment and pet my cat Mochi and feel her rumbling Mighty vibration and so my advice would be to look for joy in in the little things look for joy in the unexpected small daily habits of what you're doing and how do you celebrate these little things and make them joyful and be grateful for them yeah so true thank you so much for joining us today I knew I was going to love our interview and that we would have so much knowledge and motivation and inspiration so thank you for sharing all the stories with us absolutely can you please tell our listeners how and where they can find you you can always find me on LinkedIn at toy tly and I'm on Instagram at tuy and for more on my book the URL is Mak space the lead I'm accessible in all the ways I happily chat and reach out so please please come chat if you are new to Sheil it we'd love for you 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